Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
