I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
