So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
