how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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