someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means