Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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