I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
