So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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