the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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