It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
