WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So many bounce houses so little time
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
