grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
