What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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