It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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