mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
