I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
