I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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