dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
