i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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