we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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