just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
