How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
