glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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