So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
