I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just high enough for therapy.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
