my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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