I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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