I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
