My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
