I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
