I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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