And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
