I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
