people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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