I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
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His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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