Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
