So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
