Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
