I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
