On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
