I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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