She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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