I am puke
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
