I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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