we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
