the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
