So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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