if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
