apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
