I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
