i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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