kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
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Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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