I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
