I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
