I must be too annoying 4 u.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
