i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
