Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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