My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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