Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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