Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
