I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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