Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
