I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it glows. i had to have it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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